treading water
July 10th, 2013
So, the other
day, while I was being my extremely productive self, I watched six episodes of
Teen Mom 2...in a row. It was bad:
not just the show, not just my general state of NOT MOVING for hours except to
pee, and definitely not just the self hate that followed each episode. The worst part was the moment I gave
into the show – completely.
As I lay curled
up on my couch with my laptop warming my stomach I watched Leah -- age 20,
mother of a set of 2 year-old twins, divorced, unemployed, uneducated
(formally) -- get proposed to for a SECOND TIME in her life. A SECOND TIME! And then it happened. I thought, “What is wrong with me? Why
has no man ever proposed to me?” And then, it got worse, I thought, “I’ve
missed my chance to be a teen mom.”
As you can imagine I had lost my sense of reality and it spiraled from
there.
In that dark
directionless spiral, a part of me (a very SMALL part) was envious of the girls
who make mistakes/shit happens/whatever incredibly early because they don’t have
to make the decisions later.
Later: when one is aware of and can obsess over all the ramifications of
said decision. *As I type this I
realize how insane it all sounds.
Most of my life
I have been frozen by indecision.
The fear of making the wrong choice dominates my every thought – I can’t
commit: to jobs, dogs, clothing, vacations, any kind of future plans etc. Instead of moving forward I end up returning
to zero, anxious, filled with regret, and stuck. There are too many choices today, why did someone fill my
head with the notion that I could be what I wanted to be?! Why am I plagued
with fear of not becoming THAT person?
Why do I feel a huge obligation to my 16 year-old self and her dreams!? Why am I afraid!? Long way round – why
didn’t I just get pregnant at 16 and not have to think about myself anymore?!
….oh right, because I was a virgin until 22.
P.S. I wrote this AFTER Jeremy hit Leah in the face with a piece of bacon. Ellie Jepperson - disappointing women everywhere all the time.
