Wednesday, July 10, 2013

treading water

treading water
July 10th, 2013

So, the other day, while I was being my extremely productive self, I watched six episodes of Teen Mom a row.  It was bad: not just the show, not just my general state of NOT MOVING for hours except to pee, and definitely not just the self hate that followed each episode.  The worst part was the moment I gave into the show – completely. 

As I lay curled up on my couch with my laptop warming my stomach I watched Leah -- age 20, mother of a set of 2 year-old twins, divorced, unemployed, uneducated (formally) -- get proposed to for a SECOND TIME in her life.  A SECOND TIME!  And then it happened.  I thought, “What is wrong with me? Why has no man ever proposed to me?” And then, it got worse, I thought, “I’ve missed my chance to be a teen mom.”  As you can imagine I had lost my sense of reality and it spiraled from there.

In that dark directionless spiral, a part of me (a very SMALL part) was envious of the girls who make mistakes/shit happens/whatever incredibly early because they don’t have to make the decisions later.  Later: when one is aware of and can obsess over all the ramifications of said decision.  *As I type this I realize how insane it all sounds. 

Most of my life I have been frozen by indecision.  The fear of making the wrong choice dominates my every thought – I can’t commit: to jobs, dogs, clothing, vacations, any kind of future plans etc.  Instead of moving forward I end up returning to zero, anxious, filled with regret, and stuck.  There are too many choices today, why did someone fill my head with the notion that I could be what I wanted to be?! Why am I plagued with fear of not becoming THAT person?  Why do I feel a huge obligation to my 16 year-old self and her dreams!?  Why am I afraid!? Long way round – why didn’t I just get pregnant at 16 and not have to think about myself anymore?! ….oh right, because I was a virgin until 22.

P.S. I wrote this AFTER Jeremy hit Leah in the face with a piece of bacon.  Ellie Jepperson - disappointing women everywhere all the time.

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