file created 6/14/13

file created 6/14/13

MONDAY, April 6th 2015

guys.  this is important and a bit cheesy.  i wrote this two years ago and now the final episodes are upon us.  think about it.

"As I lay on the beach listening to the New Yorker Out Loud podcast I hear Emily Nussbaum nonchalantly utter something: 

I have to say it’s a little bit weird watching a show where I feel like people will be disappointed if the main character doesn’t commit suicide at the end.

Record scratch.  I sat straight up in the sand, removed my hat, turned to my boyfriend and said, “WHAT?!”  This could not be right.  Who thought that?  Who are these “disappointed people” she was talking about.  Don committing suicide had never crossed my mind with concern to the series finale – fuck, in concern with anything at all EVER.

I couldn’t lay back down and enjoy the sun, I was bothered.   Why did she think that?  Then, as I looked out to the sea, the knowledge washed over me: Santa isn’t real and Don is going to kill himself.  The opening credits feature a man (Don) falling down the side of a building!  How obvious it was and how blinded I had been.

The credits of course are the most obvious "clue" but going back and reviewing the series they are littered throughout.  A scene in season five where Don finds himself peering down an open elevator shaft, pausing, and contemplating.   Don’s enthused Hawaii campaign with the disappearing man that reeks of suicide.  A coded line casually delivered by all characters hinting at the subject.  Meghan says to Don “You can jump from the balcony and fly to work.  Like Superman.”  But of course we all know that Don, especially season six Don, is not Superman and would fall to his death. 

Season six has a particular melancholic tone to it.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on why that was until I returned to the first season.  In season one there is hope and excitement and even passion.  Now, a sadness permeates the show, all of a sudden fives seasons later we finally realize the slow erosion of Don.  Don has become a severely depressed individual obsessed with death.  With this in mind it’s hard to watch the man America fell in love with be so disappointing and blind to his own affliction. 

Death surrounds Don: his brother kills himself, Lane Pryce kills himself, Don kills his mother in birth, Don sees his father killed by a horse, Don “kills” Dick Whitman (his own identity) in Korea.   Don is also impulsive.  He begs Rachel Menkens to run away with him (ON TOP OF A ROOF!!) and he means it, he’s done it before.  Family means nothing to him.  He marries Meghan on a fevered whim.  Even his decision to switch dogtags with Don is in the moment.  He is constantly looking for immediate ways to change his life, to distract him from his own emptiness. As a viewer, season to season, I watch him make these rash impulsive decisions and foolishly hope each one will bring him happiness.  But the newness wears off, distraction fades, and he is again searching to fill the void.  Don is impulsive and does not fear death.  He would confidently step off a building if he thought it would fulfill him.

Ultimately, how difficult can it be to die when you have already killed yourself?"

BOOM! and why, hello rachel menkens final season opener...hello.  you make me very nervous.